labels for the sake of calling it something

I feel like I am labeled postpartum at the drop of the hat for having any emotions after the baby is born. I am not sure I am ok with this label or any other. Should a women not have any emotions after birth?
I researched this disorder before giving birth, so I would be aware of what I might expect if my hormones chose to take me there. I don't think what I am experiencing is anything close to PPMD.

Postpartum discusses a withdrawn self, who lacks interest in the baby, changes habits (really? do they not change regardless?) appetite decreases, lack of interest in self and others......and the list goes on. It is rather indicative of depression. What I am feeling is wildly different, yet labeled the same by some. I think I would be ok with a label it if was actually what I am feeling and there was some sort of help.....but perhaps the idea of a label is scarier than the truth?

My feelings have not been about keeping baby away or not wanting close contact, but the exact opposite. I want her near me 24/7. I like to keep this into perspective as well, that she is not even 2 weeks old. I do share her with her dad, and love when he takes over after work and in the evenings. I feel 100% confidence in his care giving and never question how he is handling her.....but outside the 2 of us, I hate people holding her. I am ok to pass her off for a few moments, brief moments, but then I ant her back. We had visitors last weekend, and for the 3 whole hours she slept, they passed her around and never back to me. It was torture on me. My nerves were shot when they left, I started to have nauseous feelings from it and I didn't sleep well that night. The experience was harmful to me. This is not to say no one can hold her. I am ok with someone else holding her (hands washed of course), but for a few moments at a time. I did all the hard work for 9 months, and now she is here, I feel a sense of entitlement to enjoy her for the short time she is so tiny. Am I crazy?? Do other mothers feel this way? I know in good time, I will want others to hold her, take her for a break, but for the first few weeks, I am not ok with that.....and so I am labeled. Can't this just be a sign of a really interested mom who is excited as hell her baby girl is here?

Transition complete!

Makenzie Ryann Guindon was born March 13th at 12:38 am.

We are both doing very well. We will post soon with our adventures. The first week has been great so far.....a little less sleep than I am used to, and not much accomplished other than a fed baby, but so far so good.

I showered 3 times which seems an awesome thing in itself!

week of rest and relaxation

I had my first week off work and spent it doing NOTHING!! Perhaps not nothing, but I was quite lazy. I had a small to do list, a midwife appointment, viewed a daycare and set up wiener sitters for the march break should I go into labor. This weekend is the start of 39 weeks.

The smallest signs of labor, all the 'stuff' that 'could' happen before your baby arrives keeps me up at night. There seems to be a small list of things to watch for and when those things start to happen, you are on your way. Not necessarily on your way quickly, but within the next few hours to weeks. A small window in the grand scheme of it all. It is always very hard to keep that grand scheme perspective when you are in the moment.

My midwife appointment went well. We discussed my birth plan and made sure we were both on the same page. My check up went well - blood pressure still low and the babies heartbeat still where it should be. They couldn't feel her head anymore which means she dropped even further. That is one of those small signs of labor pending.

We viewed a home daycare last night. The lady seems really nice and the place seems clean, organized. etc. Apparently you need to book these things up to a year in advance, so we are close to running out of time. One place that was recommended in town is booked until 2012 past my date back to work. That means people who are only 1/2 way through a pregnancy have secured spots - insane! We made a list of questions, which Jason was much better at asking than I was and will have to weigh out the pros and cons. I have 1 more I would like to see in town before I decide if this is the way we go. The other place is at a centre, so it will be very different. Besides all the basics, I think it will come down to a cost vs. language debate. We both really want the care to be in French, but could sway for a lower cost.

The wieners met their possible sitter last night too. They put on a show as they always do for guests. Drake tried to hump a toy which has not been done in years and Edward worked on his best irritating, high pitched cry for well over an hour until she would play constant ball with him. Lucky I am not looking for daycare for them! At least she agreed to still watch them and pop in when we need her to for a few days should I go into labor this week.

I will try for another post later in the day/weekend with the birth plan and daycare questions.

tick tick tick

the clock is ticking now. i am 38 weeks this weekend and down to the final countdown. it really could be any day now. i was so very uncomfortable last night trying to sleep and my bladder is so compressed that i was up about 8 times to pee. each time i got up, i silently hoped that labor would start so I could just stop peeing.

my husband has put in the request to the baby that she wait for wednesday as he is tied up before then. wednesday or thursday would be ideal for me really. the timing of it works out perfectly.

my time at work wrapped up well. my co-workers took me out for lunch on thursday to my fav restaurant. it was nice to see all the support as close to 30 of them were able to come. they also spoiled the baby with tons of great presents. this baby has more clothes and cool stuff than i know what to do with.

my mom's side of the family always plans their shower for after the baby is born. i am used to their system, and understand that this is their way of seeing the baby, but it makes it tough to register when you need a bunch of stuff for her arrival. hopefully we avoided buying too much of the big stuff and saved it for them. my dad's side is having the same type of shower this time, except when she is 4 months old. they are going to take the educational route i am sure and fill up her book shelf. i am excited she has so much support before she has even arrived.

i have been told by SO MANY PEOPLE to spend the next 2 weeks resting, doing nothing and sleeping. i am going to be so happy when people stop giving advice.....does that happen? although i appreciate the wisdom, let it be known that i never sleep. these 2 weeks will not result in better sleep. let it also be known that it is impossible for me to do nothing. i cannot veg in front of the tv all day for days on end. i may avoid a major project, but i will be doing something. and finally, let it be known that resting is easier said that done right now. the fact that i am not working, my mind is at ease, my husband is home, and i am prepared for the baby to arrive is restful in itself. i think i will just go about my days until she arrives as they unfold. i may venture out, i may nap, i may take on a few creative projects....knowing i am making my soul restful before her arrival.

last week of work

Hello last week.....I have waited for you for some time now and you have finally arrived!!

Every step forward is a step closer to this baby arriving. I was 37 weeks this weekend. Technically 3 to go. I wonder if babies live by technical standards?? I saw my midwife last Wednesday and she gave the impression I may go early. I have always thought that or secretly hoped for it. At each visit she checks the baby by feeling my stomach and is able to feel where the head is, back and feet to have a perfect idea of where the baby is positioned. She also measures me to see how many inches I am and checks the heart beat and my blood pressure. This is all tracked and I have been sitting on a great curve throughout. This past appointment she rechecked everything as I was out of the normal. The head had dropped a lot, and was sitting where it would at 38 weeks ( I was 36.3), my blood pressure was slightly lower than normal and my stomach had not adjusted.
I have been feeling a lot of pressure in my groin the last week or so and can feel how much she has dropped. I have also had more intense braxton hicks the last few weeks. I have been having this very slightly for months, but the last few weeks have been intense and more noticeable. I have always had the idea she will come on the 10th, so only time will tell. I see my midwife again tomorrow for another quick check up. I don't think much has changed in 5 days, but you never know.

I need a few more days at work to pass things over, but then I am happy with any day she is ready. It would be nice to have at least one Monday to sleep in and not go to work, but I can deal with a sweet new baby as well.

seems soon to call it a wrap!

I had my last doula appointment yesterday. It seems too early to be wrapping up the loose ends before labor. We went over the final birth plan and discussed all the details for my wishes the day of. I signed off on the paperwork for her to be apart of my delivery and discussed how the actual "main event" will go down. With the way the world works, it is not a 100% guarantee she will be there, so my husband and I still have our homework to finish. Pending a cold, or life itself, we may have to be the support each other needs. I don't doubt we would be fine, but I like to be prepared. My normal way of prepping for any real test is cramming, and not knowing the test date makes it near impossible. I have been forced to study a little at a time, all the time.

My birth plan is finished, positions have been discussed, the addition of my giant yoga ball has been added to the hospital bags, and massage techniques are on the table to try out over the next few weeks. I am down to the increased use of positive affirmations to mentally prepare my self. The soul and body and well prepared, now the mind is on its last lap.

I think I will miss the reading I have been doing after the baby is here. I have spent months and months filling myself with every opinion out there, gaining a very vast knowledge on my options for birth. I went to bed last night, happy again that I am not going the doctor route for this pregnancy. I always shine a lot brighter when I have choices and options.

Cheers to the start of 36 weeks.

*** although I missed a few blogs the last while, I have been 100% baby focused. Having my husband home has been the worlds greatest treat. I have been taking full advantage of our couple time together and enjoying the last weeks of just us.

baby daddy

My husband is finally home, which is why I missed my usual weekend post.

It has been a whirlwind catch up of a million baby things in order to have us both feel prepared. As much as we talked about things everyday and we shared over skype, I forget he missed out on most baby items coming into this house and therefore has not had time to adjust to how it works and where it all lives.

Overwhelmed with passing over our house, storage space, and time to someone who is not even here yet, we made a to do list to help organize the chaos. Our list is a good start to ensure things get done and a possible prioritizing of a few of them will make sleep easier at night.

TO Do before the little girl arrives:
- pack hospital bag ....seems easy enough, and there are list everywhere, but it has been a work in progress for 3 weeks now.
- tour the hospital...again, just a stop in when we drive by, and we drive by every time we go to town, but no time seems like a good time. I had toured it before it opened, but my husband hasn't been in yet and needs the comfort level before we go for the big event.
- wash the cloth diapers....again, it is just a load of laundry, but the hot water needs to be turned on to the washer and that job seems to be staling this job.
- install car seat base in vehicles.....I think we are both unsure how to do it all perfectly, so we are hesitant.
- sign up for EI....apparently there is a lot of paperwork behind having a child, especially if you want to be paid while off.
- check into a Dr. and daycare.....ALREADY? apparently yes....and worse than yes, the daycare may trump the Dr. in priority as they are harder to get into. Imagine signing someone up who doesn't exist yet for daycare they won't use for more than a year from now - bizarraro world!