a catch up part 2: 15 - 23

time flies when you lump sum massive amounts of weeks at a time. How strange it will become to have a post for a week. Perhaps a little too detailed some might fear...fear on I say! I am sure in future posts I may pick apart one area to delve deeper into the topic as some areas mean more to me than others, although only touched upon in these two catch up blogs.

15 -23 although only 9 weeks does seem like a blur. I was in better health, my husband was back in the country for most of it which makes life always easier, and I was out of the pregnancy closet.

My 15 weeks most close extended family and friends knew of the news. It was not Facebook public yet, but in a secret way some people knew.

I didn't start to show until around 16 weeks, and then only if you knew I was pregnant did you see anything. Those not in the know could not tell. I dressed to hide for work and lived a double life. At work and after work moments, I lived like a normal person. I hide all details from coworkers and always used the excuse that I live out of town and have to drive to avoid the drinking situations that may have come up. When I was home or in the presence of those who knew, I basked in the feeling of being pregnant. I read about it, talked about it, and shopped for it. Like a light switch I would continue to turn this on and off each day. I wasn't quite sure how to share this with work. I knew they would be happy, but extenuating circumstances made me feel like it was not a good time to be pregnant. We were in the beginning phases of switching to new teams as work, a new manager, new office space, I was finally off the 6 months of probation, and it all seemed like the worst time to announce I would be taking time off in the near future. I also feared that telling work would then mean I could go public to the whole world which would make this absolutely real with no turning back. Once it was this real, I would hate for it to be all ripped away again. I still carried the fear of lose with me. I didn't have the strength to tell people ever again that I lost this baby. Vowing the next one would be firmly implanted with no issues before I shared even a breath of the news.

Just after 16 weeks, I shared the news with work. My manager and director were in the know before other staff. I prefer other staff and call some of them friends, but I had to be strategic in how I planted the seed at work. It went over very well and most wished they knew earlier to be of help. I wished they knew too, but couldn't take the heartache of having more people know my pain. Not that I like to bottle it up, but I do shelter myself from vulnerability.

During the next 4 weeks we took pre-natal classes. This may be a blog all of its own. Once a week for 4 weeks was just enough. I learned some new information, left wondering even more, and felt I knew a lot of what was said. It was my first time ever being social in this town with people we had something in common with. I exchanged e-mails with one couple, but I am not sure we will keep in touch. I always have good intentions on this front but often feel like the needy friend who instigates all the contact. I am looking for a friendship where I am perused.
During this same time we found out we were having a little girl. This will be a post all on its own. The story behind that ultrasound (one might question how many this has been and I am up to 5 I think....) and my need to shelter a child from pink and ruffles.

We spent a vast amount of time while my husband was home looking for baby stuff. It may seem early, but I knew he would be gone for month 6 and 7 and getting back when I am moving to 8 months. We purchased the crib and dresser and lots of diapers which have since been returned. Some random small things like books and a few outfits for both my expanding waist line and the babies need for fashion. Small accessories from IKEA just to make sure it blended with the rest of the house.



The rug, pink lights and curtains are IKEA. The crib and dressers are from a store near here called Cribz. The crib turns into a daybed and then a double bed over time. The dresser was an alternative to a change table which I felt would be a useless piece to own in 2 years time. The picture was picked out by my husband and it made me cry. We hung it over her crib.

We started to think of names and decided to keep it a secret until she is born. There are a few top contenders but nothing has been settled. I think we both have a fear of commitment this early on. It seems easier to have some set aside then to finalize on just one.

The last few weeks have been good. I have been healthy, growing like a bad weed, thinking that I should be eating twice as healthy not twice as much and then eating twice as much anyways.
I have been mentally wishing I was exercising more and blaming the rough start and 3 months of zero exercise for my lack of motivation. I have been meeting with my midwife and doula and preparing mentally and on paper for the type of birth I want.

I am now, officially today, 24 weeks. This wraps up the catch up. From here on out I will be sharing how the weeks go and throwing in random posts on topics previously mentioned or important to me.

a catch up part 1: 0-14 weeks.

This will be a long post, perhaps edited as I recall more.

The story starts almost a year ago. It was a year ago we made the decision that kids were something we wanted in our lives. Perhaps the decision was made prior to that even, but we made some active choices to make them a possibility. In July of 2010 I found out I was pregnant. I think I found out the very second one could, as it was my 4th test in a week that finally gave results. This makes the pregnancy that much longer, but I was keen to know. We found out on the last day of vacation, which was a great way to end a week of pure bliss and relaxation. I am sure there are amazing ways to share the news with your husband, besides checking while he is in the shower, then showing the stick in with him to confirm, but that was how it was done. I then took about 4 more tests over the next few weeks, just to be sure. I was in a wee bit of deinal that it was actually true.

I guess by the time you actually show positive, you are about 2 or 3 weeks along. I have had no real female schedule since I went off the pill, so I had no clue exactly how far along I was. I was trying to hold it all in until the doctor confirmed a yes, and then shared with parents and siblings. Too early??, Hells yes, but I was pumped and needed an outlet.

Everything seemed magical until about week 5 or 6. The magic ended and terror set in. I got home from work one day and started to bleed heavily. I immediately left for the emergency room fearing the worst - a miscarriage. I was seen right away which was a god sent, as I could hardly focus on my own name sitting in the waiting room. I met an old man doctor who had me pee in a cup and said 'yup - still pregnant. come back tomorrow for an ultrasound'. I came back the next day and had an ultrasound. The technician was great, but quiet. I have never had an ultrasound before, but I knew enough to see she was seeing nothing on the screen. No baby was there. I was advised to go back and see the doctor for results. I went back to the ER and saw a new doctor. This time, not so great. Based on my last menstruation cycle they said I was further along than what I thought - they said at least 7 weeks. I wanted to say no, as I know that menstrual cycle is one way to judge, sex is a whole other, and I know when I had that last. I said nothing though as I was still in shock, I was hurting in my heart and I was faced with a person who knew their job better than I did, so I was following their best judgment over my own gut. They said that based on how far along they thought I was, that I had lost the baby since nothing showed in the ultrasound. They said they would monitor my blood levels for a week or two to make sure they fell and to come back in a week for a final ultrasound to make sure I passed everything. She asked if I wanted a physical to get things moving and I said no. I didn't want to be touched, and I didn't want to confirm anything else that day (grateful everyday that i said no). I sat there with tears in my eyes, fighting them back to be strong. I wasn't sure if I was sad about the loss, or if I had already become attached to this little person and was grieving. As soon as the doctor left the room, I wept. I went home numb and took the week off work. I called my family and told them the sad news. I felt like a failure. My husband, who was to leave the country for work the next day made some adjustments as well to leave the following week.

A week later we went back for that final ultrasound. I hated the idea of going back into that room to confirm I was a failure. I hated the idea of seeing that doctor again. I was still numb and still bleeding. I had been bleeding all week, but had no clue if I had passed anything....I didn't know what to do at this point. Laying on the table once again I fought back tears and made myself a rock. I knew why I was there this time and I wanted it to be quick. As the same technician as before surveyed my abdomen she asked if I would like to see my baby. Tears rolled down my face as I explained to her why I was there and that I had lost it last week, perhaps she forgot me? She reassured me she knew who I was and that in fact there was a baby in there. Apparently I was not as far along as they thought. I was just 7 weeks now, and only now could they pick up on a baby. I was once again in shock and denial. I already grieved this little person. I already made some peace with this news and now it was real again. I once again met with the same doctor who gave me an 'oops, it happens' and went on my way home, still bleeding. I took the hospitals advice that this bleeding could result in a miscarriage, so be prepared. I left with the idea that I would loose the same baby twice.

My husband left the next day for 2 months. I sought out advice from few people as I was not sure this was real, how long it would last or how to fix it. I spent the next 6 weeks off my feet as much as possible, living in complete fear at all times, and going back for multiple ultrasounds to check the fetus status. I worked now and then, drained from 6 weeks of bleeding, drained from being pregnant, drained from living in hell. I hid all my baby books that I bought as a proud mom the first 6 weeks and I made the topic taboo to everyone. I knew I had to make it to 12 weeks to get past the first hurdle and it wasn't real until then. I gave up everything that gave me personal freedom and started to rely on others for help. It was the worst thing I have ever been through and had no where to turn. I feared going to the washroom and kept a calendar of how things were going.

My bleeding ended up being caused by a multiple set of problems. Although apparently common, fatal at times for the fetus and fatal for new moms in terms of heart and mind games. I had a blood clot between the uterus and my body. This clot was not too big, but it could cause the uterus to rip away if it grew. Every time I moved a certain way (and I had no clue which way) it would rip and bleed. Only time could heal it and rest. I also had the placenta placed low. Those move while pregnant, so it was not an issue, but as it moved it cause some bleeding.
Finally around week 11 I stopped bleeding. I had stopped a few times before, only to start up again, or I would almost stop for a week, then start again. Finally it was over. I was cautious up to week 14 when I then figured I was safe. I waited until week 16 to share again with people and week 18 for work.

This was the first 14 weeks. A time when I let those who were religious pray for me, when I turned to saying Buddhist mantras in my head to make it through the day and when I became so inactive to protect this little baby, that walking to the fridge took all my energy and skill to avoid a loss.


a catch up part 2: 14-24 is much less depressing. Perhaps even magical again.

strength from within

I debated to start this blog, simply because I neglect my other one, but I wanted to keep these thoughts somewhere in case I were to ever have need for them. One could easily argue that paper and pen do this just as well, but I like the idea of perhaps someone wanting to share these moments as well by reading the journey.

Today I am 24 weeks pregnant....and well on my way in the transition to becoming a mom. Perhaps I am already a mom, and just waiting for the baby to arrive.

My hopes for this blog are to share moments that mean something to me throughout the journey, perhaps find comfort in knowing that the scariest parts are not single events for me alone, but a common moment for all moms.
This post is simply an intro to the blog, and the next, which will follow within in moments will be the background of 0months to now.