15 -23 although only 9 weeks does seem like a blur. I was in better health, my husband was back in the country for most of it which makes life always easier, and I was out of the pregnancy closet.
My 15 weeks most close extended family and friends knew of the news. It was not Facebook public yet, but in a secret way some people knew.
I didn't start to show until around 16 weeks, and then only if you knew I was pregnant did you see anything. Those not in the know could not tell. I dressed to hide for work and lived a double life. At work and after work moments, I lived like a normal person. I hide all details from coworkers and always used the excuse that I live out of town and have to drive to avoid the drinking situations that may have come up. When I was home or in the presence of those who knew, I basked in the feeling of being pregnant. I read about it, talked about it, and shopped for it. Like a light switch I would continue to turn this on and off each day. I wasn't quite sure how to share this with work. I knew they would be happy, but extenuating circumstances made me feel like it was not a good time to be pregnant. We were in the beginning phases of switching to new teams as work, a new manager, new office space, I was finally off the 6 months of probation, and it all seemed like the worst time to announce I would be taking time off in the near future. I also feared that telling work would then mean I could go public to the whole world which would make this absolutely real with no turning back. Once it was this real, I would hate for it to be all ripped away again. I still carried the fear of lose with me. I didn't have the strength to tell people ever again that I lost this baby. Vowing the next one would be firmly implanted with no issues before I shared even a breath of the news.
Just after 16 weeks, I shared the news with work. My manager and director were in the know before other staff. I prefer other staff and call some of them friends, but I had to be strategic in how I planted the seed at work. It went over very well and most wished they knew earlier to be of help. I wished they knew too, but couldn't take the heartache of having more people know my pain. Not that I like to bottle it up, but I do shelter myself from vulnerability.
During the next 4 weeks we took pre-natal classes. This may be a blog all of its own. Once a week for 4 weeks was just enough. I learned some new information, left wondering even more, and felt I knew a lot of what was said. It was my first time ever being social in this town with people we had something in common with. I exchanged e-mails with one couple, but I am not sure we will keep in touch. I always have good intentions on this front but often feel like the needy friend who instigates all the contact. I am looking for a friendship where I am perused.
During this same time we found out we were having a little girl. This will be a post all on its own. The story behind that ultrasound (one might question how many this has been and I am up to 5 I think....) and my need to shelter a child from pink and ruffles.
We spent a vast amount of time while my husband was home looking for baby stuff. It may seem early, but I knew he would be gone for month 6 and 7 and getting back when I am moving to 8 months. We purchased the crib and dresser and lots of diapers which have since been returned. Some random small things like books and a few outfits for both my expanding waist line and the babies need for fashion. Small accessories from IKEA just to make sure it blended with the rest of the house.
The rug, pink lights and curtains are IKEA. The crib and dressers are from a store near here called Cribz. The crib turns into a daybed and then a double bed over time. The dresser was an alternative to a change table which I felt would be a useless piece to own in 2 years time. The picture was picked out by my husband and it made me cry. We hung it over her crib.
We started to think of names and decided to keep it a secret until she is born. There are a few top contenders but nothing has been settled. I think we both have a fear of commitment this early on. It seems easier to have some set aside then to finalize on just one.
The last few weeks have been good. I have been healthy, growing like a bad weed, thinking that I should be eating twice as healthy not twice as much and then eating twice as much anyways.
I have been mentally wishing I was exercising more and blaming the rough start and 3 months of zero exercise for my lack of motivation. I have been meeting with my midwife and doula and preparing mentally and on paper for the type of birth I want.
I am now, officially today, 24 weeks. This wraps up the catch up. From here on out I will be sharing how the weeks go and throwing in random posts on topics previously mentioned or important to me.
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