this might as well be a stegosaurus

I feel anxious about the baby arriving. I don't feel prepared and I am not sure how to prepare, which makes me more anxious. I feel like I could easily be bringing home a stegosaurus and I would be just as unsure for what to do. Actually, I have owned dogs for years and a new pet may be easier to get a handle on.

I started to search out a basic list of the MUST HAVES for bringing a baby into your home and the lists seems a tad ridiculous. There are no TOP 10's out there. I would like to think that my grandparents and even my parents had less than this and we turned out fine, so I am trying to keep it real.....yet be cautious and a slight nervous wreck and think I need everything. Besides needing the basics stocked up for the baby to be safe, comfortable and feel at home, I need to know things are ready for me to be a mom as well.

for my own sanity - I have pinked the stuff I have, so I know what to still buy.

Here is a compilation of many web generated lists (this only includes cloth diapering and breastfeeding items):
BABY:

Baby Couture:

• one-piece outfits - recommendations say 6 (5)
  
• 6-8 cotton side-snap undershirts or "onesies"
• Snowsuit for winter babies
• 4 or more booties or baby socks
• 6 or more receiving blankets
• Baby mittens (to prevent scratching if baby is prone to this) or for winter babies
• 2 or more hats appropriate for season

Nursery Needs:

• Crib/bassinette - I have both, due to recommendations, but I think 1 is plenty to start.
  
• 4 or more fitted crib sheets (I have 1 so far)
  
• Crib mobile - I doubt this is a NEEDED item, but I like the music mine plays.
  
• Rocking Chair
• Changing table with necessities:
  • Diapers
    If Cloth-diapering:
    • enough for 2 or 3 days depending on your washing schedule. I am going to try 24 all in one that grow as the baby grows diapers and see if that works. (24)
      
    • gentle laundry detergent - although you may have this to have pre-washed clothes I still need some for the cloth diapers.
      
  • Baby wipes or lots of baby washcloths (you can use a spray bottle to wet them)
    
  • Diaper Pail (and wet bags x2)
    
  • Diaper Rash ointment - be prepared for the worst.
    

Breastfeeding Basics:

• Disposable or washable nursing pads
• Nursing bras
• Nursing pillow

Bath Time Basics:

• Baby Tub
• Gentle Baby wash
• Baby Shampoo (or just use the Baby Bath lotion in the beginning)
• Baby washcloths (these are better than adult cloths…thinner and more flexible)
• Baby towels (hooded seem to be all the rage) I am aiming for 4 or 5 due to laundry demands. (2)
  
• Baby-safe scissors or clippers

Medicine Chest Staples:

• Rubbing alcohol, Q-tips (good for cord care)
• Infant Tylenol
• Baby thermometer
• There could be a thousand more things that parents actually need, but I put very little on here as I really don't know what it would be used for.
  

On-The-Road Supplies:

• Car Seat
• Diaper Bag
• Stroller
• Infant chest carrier - not needed right away, but I kept it so i can check it off.
  

MOM:

• a weeks worth of meals made and in the freezer to get through some sleepless days
  
• labor bag packed - more lists online :)
  
• nursing bras
• pads
  

RIDICULOUS LIST:
This is the list of things I have seen on many lists that fall under redic for me. I can see why these things will eventually be important, but seriously, are they NEEDED for the first few weeks or months and are they really something you should have a new parent worry about?
To all new moms.....get this when you need it, or anticipate needing it....do not fret over these items prior to the birth of your baby.

• high chair - - your baby cannot sit up for months, no worries about this item.
  
• electrical plug covers - your baby cannot crawl or get around on their own for many months, therefore no where near electrical sockets.
• baby gates - same as above
  
• safety locks and latches - same as above
• toys - this can probably be kept to a minimum in the beginning.
• walker- wait until your baby can sit up for these types of babysitters.

I will try to 1> remember to make a better list after the baby is born and I actually see first hand what was good, bad and unnecessary for bringing a baby home and 2> make some lists of diaper bag needs and hospital bag needs.

looking at 29

This may be one of the only times when someone is excited to get 29 over with to move on to 30. I start my 29th week this weekend. To end the week of 28 I went to the hospital for my pre-admission. I am still a little in shock/denial/or something similar to those words that I am actually pregnant. This was a surreal experience to go in and sign the paper work to have a baby when it still feels like it is happening to someone else. I signed paperwork for the regular testing to be done on the baby after her birth - which is also so weird to me.

I took a few pics last night of my belly to send to my husband. My jammies no longer fit like they used to and you can really see the belly at night. When I compare these new pictures to the ones I took back at the beginning of my pregnancy it makes me laugh that I thought I had a bump then.

The week of 29 has a few things on the agenda - a midwife appointment and a massage. Both of these are things I look forward to. I could technically go into labor as early as 37 weeks. This means I have 8 weeks to 11 weeks left. Seems soon....and I don't feel ready.

entering the 3rd trimester

I feel like there should be a parade this week! Perhaps Santa coming to town is a parade. I am finished week 26 and full steam ahead into 27 as of today. During this week I will move into the 3rd trimester.

Clearly I understand I am pregnant, and I have been prepping for her arrival, but it still doesn't feel real. Besides having a belly and something kicking you from the inside, I don't really feel pregnant.....or I am not sure what I should be feeling. I know I am ending the blissful 2nd trimester when you have all your energy back, you feel good and your health is optimal, so perhaps the 3rd will be the telltale sign. My excitement is more about the countdown to be done work....and perhaps that says more about work than a baby.

This is the week before Christmas and I only have 4 days of work before I am off for 12. I am really looking forward to seeing family, but more so, having some down time and not thinking about anything other than day to day chores. Once work starts back up, it should be less than 4 weeks until my husband is back home. It will be neat to see how much I have changed to him, since I can't see my own growth day to day.

going 3D

Tomorrow is my 3D ultrasound. So modern and high tech!!

Originally when we heard of these we liked the idea, then we saw the price and thought, regular medical ones are cool too and we get a live version eventually, but friends of ours bought it as a baby gift, so I am off tomorrow to see the baby. Long sentence, but kinda excited!

These 3D ultrasounds can give a really good look at what this baby will actually look like when born. You should be able to see her facial features and get a good idea of who she looks like. They are pretty amazing to see.
http://www.uc-baby.com/en/index.php

They have ideal times to view the baby, and apparently I am entering that now. I hope it is a good view so we have clear pictures.

I do have fears though - - I am always super nervous before an ultrasound, just in case something is wrong....this time more so as the ultrasound is being broadcast live for family. If there is anything wrong, everyone sees at once. I am sure she is fine, but maternal worries kick in. I also worry that she may be fugly! What if she is not cute on the screen....of course you always love your baby, but others love cute babies. Just say'n.

Tomorrow at 3, my uterus goes live for 1 hour. Wishing my husband was able to be there for the moment, but happy he can watch from Africa. It makes him feel less far away that we can share those moments in real time.

Dec 18th - update

Ultrasound went well. Africa saw it loud and clear! Here are a few pics to browse through

the end of 25

This is the end of the 25th week and now on to week 26. I am finishing trimester 2 right shortly!
It is nice to be able to have different goals throughout this pregnancy - each week seems sort of like an accomplishment, but then so does each trimester. I have 14 weeks left to go. That number seems a tad small and a wee bit scary.

This past week has been good. Nothing out of the ordinary and no appointments baby related of any kind. Work was ok, somewhat slow, but a good prep to the busy week I have coming up. Our office was moving over the weekend and I will be in a temp location at the main building for the next 4 weeks. Far from ideal, especially when my brain feels the need to sort through the program I run before my mat leave. I feel like I need to get things more organized at work that I do at home.

I am calling today - baby workout day. For the first time this season we are getting hit with a storm. We have had snow this season, but not too much. It was managable to shovel once after the entire fall and it not be a huge chore. Today though, in a 24 hr span we are expecting 40 cm. There is also a high wind out there causing some massive drifting. I have been out twice today (10:30 and 1:00) to shovel already and plan for a 3rd trip at 3pm. It is taking about a 1/2 hour a time to shovel just the decks, and dog path. I am trying to be careful of the baby and heavy lifting, so making lots of trips to keep her safe. I haven't even attempted the driveway which is well over a foot high now. We have a plow guy for that....hoping he comes before tomorrow. I just keep making small paths for him to know where the steps are on the deck.

Starting to hit some major mood swings lately and hating that. I seem to have a low tolerance for people who annoy me these days.....and a lot of people seem to be annoying.

Sleep has been touch and go this past week. A lot of vivid dreams, somewhat scary, and a very difficult time getting comfortable. I miss sleeping like a star fish on my stomach.

soothers, pacifiers, dummies

This topic seems to be the big debate and area of conflicting advice at the moment. As it stands today, I strongly disapprove of their use. I feel like I have researched this topic for some time now and have read both sides of the argument. I just dislike them in every way and hope that I don't end up using one. If I do, it may never be blogged...to keep it a hidden secret.

As the name of them suggest - they exist to sooth a child, pacify them or fool the child into thinking this is a nipple. Takes a wise adult to fool a newborn!

They say the main advantage to a soother is to sooth the child. This seems reasonable to me, but I often see children who are happy, not needing soothing, with one in their mouth. They become a crutch, and are the first thing to go in if the child makes a noise. A plug one may call it. I think this bothers me more, as I am having a girl. I never want her to not have a voice. I think it is ok for a child to cry and share emotion, how else do they communicate? I say this now, without a child, well rested and mid morning.

The disadvantages are a long list ranging from dental problems, to ear infections, speech problems and an interference with breastfeeding. I plan to breastfeed exclusively for the first 6 months. I took a class specifically focused on breastfeeding and have had the opportunity to work with lactation specialists on a daily basis at work. I have a very strong support team (midwife, doula, public health nurse and my husband who is my rock for advocacy in these areas) in place for delivery and postpartum to help with breastfeeding. I have read on several occasions that mothers who breastfeed and use a soother often ween early and claim it is due to a lack of milk. This may be true, as the baby has been soothing itself with a pacifier instead of the mother, therefore lowering the milk productions. This leads to a whole other thought on use of formula, but I will save that for another blog.

The final thought to this is that if you did use a pacifier, then you eventually have to stop using one. You are essentially giving your baby a habit to break later on. Does a toddler need to start so early at breaking bad habits?

I have had many friends and family tell me that I will use one, which makes me want to fight it more. If they were more supportive and said ' do what works for you', then I would feel less pressure. These same friends and family said that babies NEED them and it is mean to not give them one.....this always makes me wonder what all those mothers did before soothers were marketed as the new sliced bread and what current cultures who do not succumb to westen marketing. Traditionally these were not available to sooth. Traditionally babies were ok without one.

My plan is to not use one. If they are given as gifts, they will be packed away in the crawl space to avoid the 3am temptation of sleep vs common sense. It can't hurt to try things my way to start, after all this is my baby.

two-four

This week is week 24. Officially turning over on Sunday.
I remember when the idea of 24 or two-four meant something entirely different.

This week feels as eventful as some previous posts of multiple weeks. I start to wonder what I did with all my free time before, as it is now consumed with pregnancy. Always amazing how one new thing can take over in life.

To start off the 24th week I went grocery shopping and for the first time let the belly pick a few items. I am generally a strict list person. The belly was thinking that fish and chips sounded good, as did beets and parsley. None of these things are out of the norm for me, I like them all and had no real intentions of eating them together, just having them in the house.

Monday night rolls around and I decide to make fish and chips for supper, with a side of beets. With my own bias in place, I tend to think of myself as a great cook and this was a simple freezer to oven meal.....well it botched somewhere along the way as I ended up with what I self diagnosed as food poisoning later on that night. I spent a lengthy part of the evening in the washroom throwing up....and for reasons left unwritten I threw up in the tub. This meant that after all ordeal was over, I still had to clean the tub. Probably a low point in life. Beets do keep their colour the whole way through the system! It was some extreme pain riffeling through me for about a 1/2 hr prior to getting sick and I debated if it was early labor. I had no real clue what to expect if I were to go early, and I mean way early, and I was hoping it would not feel like knives ripping through your stomach.

I was still off from my normal self on Tuesday and not handling food well. Everything I ate seemed to hurt in my stomach....but over the next few days it settled out. Thankful once again I have an iron stomach and could get over something so quickly. I met with my midwife for my regular monthly visit as well on Tuesday. I absolutely love the atmosphere of that office. It puts me in a meditative state to be in there. I am unfortunately or fortunately gain a lot of weight...good for the baby, not so great for my waistline. I had to review my diet and we came to the conclusion that I need to cut back on sugar even more. I don't have a sweet tooth at all, so it was very minimal to begin with, but I do consume a lot of juice and fruit, and need to cut that back a little. I am still working on bringing up the iron levels. We discussed very briefly all my birthing options and she left me with some literature for birthing places.....if I thought for even one moment I could have control in my own home, I would not rule out that idea.....but the thought of unwanted visitors during labor is my main fear. I want to have some peace and tranquility for this birth and hate that my own home does not allow for that.

I am finishing this week on a high note with a great massage today. YAY benefits and massages. The hour went by quick and I could have stayed on the table for a mid afternoon nap when it was all finished. Such a great treat to help the body relax and loosen up....can't wait for the next one in 2 weeks.

Planning on some reading this weekend and getting caught up on life - laundry, cleaning, to do's...they all seem to be piled up for weekends when I can have free time.

16 weeks left

a catch up part 2: 15 - 23

time flies when you lump sum massive amounts of weeks at a time. How strange it will become to have a post for a week. Perhaps a little too detailed some might fear...fear on I say! I am sure in future posts I may pick apart one area to delve deeper into the topic as some areas mean more to me than others, although only touched upon in these two catch up blogs.

15 -23 although only 9 weeks does seem like a blur. I was in better health, my husband was back in the country for most of it which makes life always easier, and I was out of the pregnancy closet.

My 15 weeks most close extended family and friends knew of the news. It was not Facebook public yet, but in a secret way some people knew.

I didn't start to show until around 16 weeks, and then only if you knew I was pregnant did you see anything. Those not in the know could not tell. I dressed to hide for work and lived a double life. At work and after work moments, I lived like a normal person. I hide all details from coworkers and always used the excuse that I live out of town and have to drive to avoid the drinking situations that may have come up. When I was home or in the presence of those who knew, I basked in the feeling of being pregnant. I read about it, talked about it, and shopped for it. Like a light switch I would continue to turn this on and off each day. I wasn't quite sure how to share this with work. I knew they would be happy, but extenuating circumstances made me feel like it was not a good time to be pregnant. We were in the beginning phases of switching to new teams as work, a new manager, new office space, I was finally off the 6 months of probation, and it all seemed like the worst time to announce I would be taking time off in the near future. I also feared that telling work would then mean I could go public to the whole world which would make this absolutely real with no turning back. Once it was this real, I would hate for it to be all ripped away again. I still carried the fear of lose with me. I didn't have the strength to tell people ever again that I lost this baby. Vowing the next one would be firmly implanted with no issues before I shared even a breath of the news.

Just after 16 weeks, I shared the news with work. My manager and director were in the know before other staff. I prefer other staff and call some of them friends, but I had to be strategic in how I planted the seed at work. It went over very well and most wished they knew earlier to be of help. I wished they knew too, but couldn't take the heartache of having more people know my pain. Not that I like to bottle it up, but I do shelter myself from vulnerability.

During the next 4 weeks we took pre-natal classes. This may be a blog all of its own. Once a week for 4 weeks was just enough. I learned some new information, left wondering even more, and felt I knew a lot of what was said. It was my first time ever being social in this town with people we had something in common with. I exchanged e-mails with one couple, but I am not sure we will keep in touch. I always have good intentions on this front but often feel like the needy friend who instigates all the contact. I am looking for a friendship where I am perused.
During this same time we found out we were having a little girl. This will be a post all on its own. The story behind that ultrasound (one might question how many this has been and I am up to 5 I think....) and my need to shelter a child from pink and ruffles.

We spent a vast amount of time while my husband was home looking for baby stuff. It may seem early, but I knew he would be gone for month 6 and 7 and getting back when I am moving to 8 months. We purchased the crib and dresser and lots of diapers which have since been returned. Some random small things like books and a few outfits for both my expanding waist line and the babies need for fashion. Small accessories from IKEA just to make sure it blended with the rest of the house.



The rug, pink lights and curtains are IKEA. The crib and dressers are from a store near here called Cribz. The crib turns into a daybed and then a double bed over time. The dresser was an alternative to a change table which I felt would be a useless piece to own in 2 years time. The picture was picked out by my husband and it made me cry. We hung it over her crib.

We started to think of names and decided to keep it a secret until she is born. There are a few top contenders but nothing has been settled. I think we both have a fear of commitment this early on. It seems easier to have some set aside then to finalize on just one.

The last few weeks have been good. I have been healthy, growing like a bad weed, thinking that I should be eating twice as healthy not twice as much and then eating twice as much anyways.
I have been mentally wishing I was exercising more and blaming the rough start and 3 months of zero exercise for my lack of motivation. I have been meeting with my midwife and doula and preparing mentally and on paper for the type of birth I want.

I am now, officially today, 24 weeks. This wraps up the catch up. From here on out I will be sharing how the weeks go and throwing in random posts on topics previously mentioned or important to me.

a catch up part 1: 0-14 weeks.

This will be a long post, perhaps edited as I recall more.

The story starts almost a year ago. It was a year ago we made the decision that kids were something we wanted in our lives. Perhaps the decision was made prior to that even, but we made some active choices to make them a possibility. In July of 2010 I found out I was pregnant. I think I found out the very second one could, as it was my 4th test in a week that finally gave results. This makes the pregnancy that much longer, but I was keen to know. We found out on the last day of vacation, which was a great way to end a week of pure bliss and relaxation. I am sure there are amazing ways to share the news with your husband, besides checking while he is in the shower, then showing the stick in with him to confirm, but that was how it was done. I then took about 4 more tests over the next few weeks, just to be sure. I was in a wee bit of deinal that it was actually true.

I guess by the time you actually show positive, you are about 2 or 3 weeks along. I have had no real female schedule since I went off the pill, so I had no clue exactly how far along I was. I was trying to hold it all in until the doctor confirmed a yes, and then shared with parents and siblings. Too early??, Hells yes, but I was pumped and needed an outlet.

Everything seemed magical until about week 5 or 6. The magic ended and terror set in. I got home from work one day and started to bleed heavily. I immediately left for the emergency room fearing the worst - a miscarriage. I was seen right away which was a god sent, as I could hardly focus on my own name sitting in the waiting room. I met an old man doctor who had me pee in a cup and said 'yup - still pregnant. come back tomorrow for an ultrasound'. I came back the next day and had an ultrasound. The technician was great, but quiet. I have never had an ultrasound before, but I knew enough to see she was seeing nothing on the screen. No baby was there. I was advised to go back and see the doctor for results. I went back to the ER and saw a new doctor. This time, not so great. Based on my last menstruation cycle they said I was further along than what I thought - they said at least 7 weeks. I wanted to say no, as I know that menstrual cycle is one way to judge, sex is a whole other, and I know when I had that last. I said nothing though as I was still in shock, I was hurting in my heart and I was faced with a person who knew their job better than I did, so I was following their best judgment over my own gut. They said that based on how far along they thought I was, that I had lost the baby since nothing showed in the ultrasound. They said they would monitor my blood levels for a week or two to make sure they fell and to come back in a week for a final ultrasound to make sure I passed everything. She asked if I wanted a physical to get things moving and I said no. I didn't want to be touched, and I didn't want to confirm anything else that day (grateful everyday that i said no). I sat there with tears in my eyes, fighting them back to be strong. I wasn't sure if I was sad about the loss, or if I had already become attached to this little person and was grieving. As soon as the doctor left the room, I wept. I went home numb and took the week off work. I called my family and told them the sad news. I felt like a failure. My husband, who was to leave the country for work the next day made some adjustments as well to leave the following week.

A week later we went back for that final ultrasound. I hated the idea of going back into that room to confirm I was a failure. I hated the idea of seeing that doctor again. I was still numb and still bleeding. I had been bleeding all week, but had no clue if I had passed anything....I didn't know what to do at this point. Laying on the table once again I fought back tears and made myself a rock. I knew why I was there this time and I wanted it to be quick. As the same technician as before surveyed my abdomen she asked if I would like to see my baby. Tears rolled down my face as I explained to her why I was there and that I had lost it last week, perhaps she forgot me? She reassured me she knew who I was and that in fact there was a baby in there. Apparently I was not as far along as they thought. I was just 7 weeks now, and only now could they pick up on a baby. I was once again in shock and denial. I already grieved this little person. I already made some peace with this news and now it was real again. I once again met with the same doctor who gave me an 'oops, it happens' and went on my way home, still bleeding. I took the hospitals advice that this bleeding could result in a miscarriage, so be prepared. I left with the idea that I would loose the same baby twice.

My husband left the next day for 2 months. I sought out advice from few people as I was not sure this was real, how long it would last or how to fix it. I spent the next 6 weeks off my feet as much as possible, living in complete fear at all times, and going back for multiple ultrasounds to check the fetus status. I worked now and then, drained from 6 weeks of bleeding, drained from being pregnant, drained from living in hell. I hid all my baby books that I bought as a proud mom the first 6 weeks and I made the topic taboo to everyone. I knew I had to make it to 12 weeks to get past the first hurdle and it wasn't real until then. I gave up everything that gave me personal freedom and started to rely on others for help. It was the worst thing I have ever been through and had no where to turn. I feared going to the washroom and kept a calendar of how things were going.

My bleeding ended up being caused by a multiple set of problems. Although apparently common, fatal at times for the fetus and fatal for new moms in terms of heart and mind games. I had a blood clot between the uterus and my body. This clot was not too big, but it could cause the uterus to rip away if it grew. Every time I moved a certain way (and I had no clue which way) it would rip and bleed. Only time could heal it and rest. I also had the placenta placed low. Those move while pregnant, so it was not an issue, but as it moved it cause some bleeding.
Finally around week 11 I stopped bleeding. I had stopped a few times before, only to start up again, or I would almost stop for a week, then start again. Finally it was over. I was cautious up to week 14 when I then figured I was safe. I waited until week 16 to share again with people and week 18 for work.

This was the first 14 weeks. A time when I let those who were religious pray for me, when I turned to saying Buddhist mantras in my head to make it through the day and when I became so inactive to protect this little baby, that walking to the fridge took all my energy and skill to avoid a loss.


a catch up part 2: 14-24 is much less depressing. Perhaps even magical again.

strength from within

I debated to start this blog, simply because I neglect my other one, but I wanted to keep these thoughts somewhere in case I were to ever have need for them. One could easily argue that paper and pen do this just as well, but I like the idea of perhaps someone wanting to share these moments as well by reading the journey.

Today I am 24 weeks pregnant....and well on my way in the transition to becoming a mom. Perhaps I am already a mom, and just waiting for the baby to arrive.

My hopes for this blog are to share moments that mean something to me throughout the journey, perhaps find comfort in knowing that the scariest parts are not single events for me alone, but a common moment for all moms.
This post is simply an intro to the blog, and the next, which will follow within in moments will be the background of 0months to now.